The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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