The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
