well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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