i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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