I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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