When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
