i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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