i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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