I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize