Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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