I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
