Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
