i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
