I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
