I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
