If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
