Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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