no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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