he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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