i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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