When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Drunk walkin through police station. America
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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