I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
