You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
