you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
