My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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