I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
