I CAN MOONWALK!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
