In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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