my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
