Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
