last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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