If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
