theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
