seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
