Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
