peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
