I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
