jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
