How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize