i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
