dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
