I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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