so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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