I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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