By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
