Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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