She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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