i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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