you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
