Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
my poor anus
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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